OHMYBITCH

Looking at what I had in mind for 2009, I’m quite surprised that I haven’t had a faintest idea of how to start discussing my resolutions for 2010.

I suppose that the fact that 2010 is here hasn’t really sank into me just yet. I keep on looking at my new table calender and in a way, it’s been so fast? Yet so slow?

I can safely say that I’m scared.

For the past year, I’ve been living my life on a rollercoaster. Feeling lost about so many things, losing faith in the one thing I wanted to have so badly: relationships, thrusted into National Service, where I learnt a lot of things about males in general.

It was easier last time. It was about counting down the months and weeks to the end of the year! Suddenly, with the start of the new year, it’s like another question: whether I’ll pull through another twelve months.

It might sound crazy but recently, I’ve been deathly afraid of.. death. Seeing it more often in the last year then in 18 years before that just scares me. The fragility of human life, and the fact that we can be gone anytime.

I suppose it’s also because I feel so unease about my hypocrisy towards religion.

I hate myself when I start thinking about a greater being, when I’m down, when I’m sick, or when there’s no one to talk to. I remember the times that I turned to religion, and believe in it, albeit for that moment. When I’m happy, and surrounded by friends, when my life is peachy and bright, I forget everything and go back to my own cynical, jaded and agnostic ways.

I feel ill.

A lot of people think that A can never be religious. Well yes, I suppose I’m quite a wild person sometimes.

During a heart to heart talk that N and I had, I was discussing the fact that I feel so bad about religion. N said that I shouldn’t feel so obligated because of my parents, that I should not let what my parents say or do affect my choice to practice one or not.

It’s hard to let go of what my parents did. Using religion for their failure as parents. Every single time I had an argument with them, they’d say that I should not be disrespectful towards parents, because they had sex and my mother carried me around for 9 months and blah blah. I never even shouted; it was always an argument where we merely raise our voices. If I countered, they said that God would strike me with lightning and god, how could you NOT hate your religion?

The most important people in your life, using religion as an excuse, to get out of a tight spot, so that they didn’t have to take responsibility for what they did wrong.

1. Write 3 resolutions at the start of every month and complete all of them by the end of the year.